...دستها می‌‌سایم تا دری بگشایم

I have no idea why this poem stick to my mind when I started to write down what I'm about to pos...anyway...there are moments in life when I would suddenly be hit by the feeling of how helpless I am, why? because I'm unable to help myself!!! how would that sound? not being able to help your own problem and get through solving it; though you know exactly what is wrong and probably why. But still, you can't manage to think of how solve it, or deal with it, change it...maybe I feel not powerful enough to fight myself? in the battle of me with me I sort of can't even imagine of how to start?

Frankly, I'm almost struggling with myself about my flaws almost all the time, and believe me you don't wanna even start thinking about how inappropriate and deathful it is. But that's how I know about my problems and where it is wrong exactly. But then when it comes to taking care of them I just fail, I can't...I don' wanna sound weak -it doesn't matter to whom- even myself! but I need to admit I need help. Why is it that I die to know what, and where is the problem but then I postpone solving it over and over...I always remind myself I'll take care of it latter but then latter comes latter!!!maybe tomorrow! not now...whatever it is, I need to understand why I can't just deal with fixing what I think is wrong???

Why is it that I know how to take care of something or do my responsibility or do an exercise or how to be a real friend but I just don' feel doing what I should, and almost ALWAYS postponing is the case!!!!! I push it further and further until to the edge of a deadline, or missing a friendship or losing something and then I start fighting for it! what the hell??????? why I don't just do it when it is its time????

One other thing is that, I sort of got shocked when I realized, there is nothing in the world that I enjoy doing it for the joy of it!!!?? I just do it because I have to do it!!! or it should be done! or I need to do it!!! WTF:( honestly I feel I do things because I wanna just make them done (why? I don' know! do I think about why? I don' know!) it is just like, it calls a battle of doing it or not, and then I would do it, or not!!!!  It is kind of putting check mark beside things in a to do list, and why they should be done? I don' know!!!and THE HUGE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS THAT THEN WHAT?????you did it, now what? I just figured out it gives me a feeling of having a huge emptiness in my life. "WHY?"  is what I need to deal with. When I think of what if I don't do it, the only answer I give to myself is that it should be done, noway to skip it, and then why? because!!

It is complicated and I sort of confuse myself more and more...I can't figure out why I plan mylife in a specific way or even what are my values?! I need help through this, I know...