An icy start for a frozen being

When you feel you are lost, and try to survive, you would try anything and grab any rope to help yourself, reading stuff, watching stuff, thinking...and if you are me, you would read people's posts who you believe in them but you feel they hate you or don' like you the most...you would try to see the world through their eyes, and learn from them...I'm not sure why the hell there is this propensity in me to like people who don' like me!!! But I know usually I like them better or I intend to know them better when they don' like me...I’m not sure how exactly to say this, but recently I figured out that I owe myself aaaaaaaalot! I discovered there is this dark core in me which thinks people who cares about me or like me in fact they really don't or whatever...

Well it is a long story! And I'm starting to write here cause I wanna help myself...Cause I need to write...Cause it is one of my friends phrase that “when you learned enough in your life you would like to write and it will help you learn more about yourself and the way you live and then to improve it!” In my case actually I start writing cause I feel it'll help me to untie the core of anger and helplessness inside my mind...A lot of thing may happen during anybody's life and the only thing you need to do is to find a way to bestly deal with them, learn from them and turn them to things you accept about yourself, or even change them to things you like about yourself...

My mission is to write about my pains and problems in a good way...Instead of torturing myself and suffering from the fact that I couldn't do anything about things happened in the past, and be mad at myself or others, or why the hell I turned out this way, I'm going to express them here, in a way that first I feel relieved by talking about them and then feel happy about describing them positively...Well the other thing about me is that I'm not as much as optimist that I wanna be, which is in fact another thing I need to work on and I'll start from here...writing positively about the things which has tortured me all these years, and I believe had hurt me a lot during last couple years is a huge step...

I'm only trying to untie this core of self distraction and complicated sense of anger and hate and darkness inside me, to have happy, strong full fill life!